Mirrors, Mirrors on the Wall

Inside these arms is a life pumping liquid

That is no one else’s but mine

And I wish upon the stars that she cries that dancing with Satan is almost like dying
Teacher, Preacher tell me what these words from ancient languages mean

And how they have any sort of connection to me

I’m reaching out and grasping at rocks to climb this cliff

But every so often I find that my memory clicks and all of life and categories clumps together

So I let go and feel the wind catch me in its graceful arms

And I drop in an ocean like a drop in a puddle

Redeemed, Complete, Limp

To die; to sleep; no more

I am the violence that this world has befriended

Knock, knock, knocking at the door. Twist the bronze handle and swing life open.

I’ve become so afraid of what’s happening out there that I’ve locked myself in this cage for days on end.

Stockholm syndrome, I’ve fallen even more in love with myself

This world is but a stage, but it is all mine

You are but a character inside of my mind, crafted from impressions upon impressions upon reflections

Like mirrors I trust everything I put in front of you because through your eyes I can see me

I trust that everything in front of me isn’t going to rebuke me and shatter my fragile figure

I can finally breathe knowing that this stairway leads to nowhere and I’ll be spinning in circles endlessly

It would make so much more sense to me if I realized my entire plan was a fake

I’ve consumed so much that its time that I reciprocate

Fractions of fractions help me relate this to myself again

I’ve lost the leash I once had on this faith and the chain is leaving a bruised stain on my neck

I will hang here for days until someone discovers this door hasn’t been opened in weeks

And the stench from that room smells a lot like death

“Cut him down! Oh you of worthless faith! Resurrect his god and add a few more titles to help him survive in the world a little bit longer!”

This system is just another machine that pulls me down and picks me up

As long as I am here, I am worthless

So I sink back with that machete in hand and work my way to the chambers of Kings

I’m going to assassinate my idols in front of the masses to release the prisoners from the island of dreams

What would you sing?

If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?

I was going to write a letter to the frontmen--the folks who sing in bands. I was going to say that there should be a system or some classes where they would be reminded that music is a very special thing; something not unlike a miracle, rich with history and the potential to move people and change lives. They would learn about urgency and honesty, the value of a moment and a song's unique ability to cause people to feel, to remind them that they're alive and that life is worth living.

And it crossed my mind to say those things because lately, it seems like there's been moments when everyone is forgetting. I'm bored with watching guys play to thousands of people and it feels like everyone says the same thing in saying nothing: "How you motherf****s doing?" is followed by a request for the world's largest circle pit. Congratulations. You are the fourth band in a row to say the exact same thing.

Are you kidding me? You beat the odds by making it and they hand you this electronic thing that makes your voice louder and that's the best you could come up with? That's what you wanted to tell the world? The stage is sacred. It's above the ground so that people can see the magic when it happens; so that people can see something bigger than the sum of its parts; something louder than the same dumb joke, brighter than the latest neon trend. Tell us your story. Show us your heart. Remind us of our own. Point to something. In the silence between songs, point to something that matters, some question or problem that steals your sleep at night. Invite us to be part of the solution.

But maybe the lessons are not just for the guys with microphones. Maybe this stuff applies to all of us. It's been said that all the world's a stage and that maybe we all have some kind of influence and opportunities to say real things and move people. The stage in front of the crowd is this obvious place where it happens, but maybe it's true that we each have our songs to sing and venues to play. We each get a few people who listen and a few people to listen to. We each have our jobs and our schools and all the places where life happens. We live in a world filled with needs and opportunities. Every person has a story. There's plenty of room for meaning, depth and change. Don't buy the lie that says there's only room for jokes and it's cooler not to care about anything. The bar has been set way too low. There's room for magic and inspiration. There's room to live a better story.

The show starts now. alt

Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. Since 2006, TWLOHA has responded to 100,000 messages from over 100 countries. They've also given $500,000 directly to treatment and recovery. Tworkowski will be speaking at universities across America this fall. Visit www.twloha.com for more info.

The original blog can be found here: http://www.altpress.com/features/blogtwloha.htm

What is this?

This is love that I leave you standing where you are
because you don’t know what motivates me to walk out that door.
Silence is golden and im afraid my tongue is running out of things to say.
Speak in whispers for the screams can only carry so far.
Say the things that my mind has always wished to hear.
Pretty lady I fear the disputes that have gone unsettled
are burning the rope that holds this all together.
Dismantling is looking more like a plausibility than a nightmare.
Don’t you look at me un the ways that you used to.
Can’t you remember the times when I held you close
or when I looked in your eyes and told you I loved you?
Where was your heart in the times I felt love most?
It’s starting to look as if everything we’ve shared has been another monument to your soul. \
I’m not writing another love piece dedicated to our being together
in the field of gorgeous flowers and music.
This is me writing my goodbye and resignation from everything that reminds me of you!
Because the static on my TV screen is telling me to go
It’s gotten so much worse from when you first came along
It used to remind me of how your voice was always the loudest thing in my head
But now it’s just that annoying bedlam that tells me that there is no longer a signal here
Disconnection is needed most because we are all just lost boys
I’ve started smoking up again in a useless attempt to try and get you out of my head
But my lungs are praying for something that’s more secure than basing my life upon the fact that
without this smoke choking me out I’ve got nothing to depend on.
And God I thought you were supposed to be bigger than the world that I find myself living in
But it turns out that my expectations have been a little bit too high for you to perform.
Well the show must go on and I believe I can fly
And my faith is only the size of something smaller than a mustard seed
Here’s to another lonely night where I’m left thinking about all the memories that we shared.
I used to worship you like a god and now you’ve walked out on me too
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SUMMER
And I was supposed to be your Cohen
But the static in the silence is breaking this all down
And I find myself slowly walking out that door
This is not the life I wanted to be a part of because I don’t want to think of a life without you!

The Last Time

God, the last time I cried was September 24, after releasing you from your box

You rebuked me once I let you go, but I know it was out of love

It was just after that precious girl threw her arms around my neck

As I pulled her close with tear filled eyes she whispered,
“6 months ago would you have ever thought that you would have told your story to this many people? You’re changing lives, Danny.”

And right around then I held her tighter and lost all control over my water works.

God, I thank you so much for the presence of that girl in my life and the words you gave her to stir my soul

But in the times of drought when your voice is gone with the wind I search and seek and fall asleep in the middle of my mission

When I get scared I turn to others for comfort because who needs a savior when you have big, burly friends?

Who needs a God when you have medicine to fix the things that years ago you would have died from?

I wish that I could turn you into some form of material so that I could understand you

Something like my teddy and bankey I had when I was younger

So that if I ever got scared I’d hold them both close for some faulty sense of security

But I’m getting a little bit older with every second and I find myself questioning your grace amazing

Because my mind won’t stop pacing due to the fact that my questions are facing something eternal and true

I just want to understand you

It would be so much easier if I could wrap my brain around eternity

But for the last ten years the god that served me lived inside this silly cardboard box and I’d forget to feed him for a few days and then fear the fact that if I tried to open that cage he’d push me aside and try to escape.
I’m so sick of feeling like I’m the only one who has ever doubted you, if You love me so much why can’t you just make me love you

Why do I have to go through all of the questions of whether you exist and how great your sovereignty is and the stupid little details that I pay attention to

Do you even pay attention to those things? Or am I just chasing the wind trying to add up a bunch of adjectives to build you a slightly bigger box and force you back in

I know that some day you’re gonna break out of this cage and leave me here to stay and rot because of all the things I did when I should have not

Or is this my faulty theology that makes me wonder about your wonder and wish that I knew everything about the great I AM

I understand alpha and omega, but beginning and end….really?

I’ve got so many questions and none are getting answered

But every where I look you keep telling me to shut my mouth and be still and know you are God

I don’t even know what it is to know because my stupid philosophy class makes me doubt everything I’ve ever known.

God, the Last time I cried was September 25, 2009 out of frustration because my bridge is burning at both ends all the time

Coitus Interruptus

Coitus interruptus (To interrupt sexual intercourse before climax)
Come out of her, America. Come out of this empire that seeks to destroy you
How can the mustard seed ever be crushed when it stays in power
How can you hold a six figure salary and live like Jesus did?
“Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests but the son of man has no place to lay his head”
Does this mean anything to you at all?
Sweet forgiven child you have been so mistaken.
These chariots have found themselves connected with you
Take his word to the ends of the earth
We are so focused upon our niche of friends.
Release the ties that hold you to the President
But give to Caesar what is Caesar’s
The trumpet is going to blow and we are all going to be dethroned
Now is the time for us to move within this city
We are the underground citizens
We must all fight for the cause in secret
For we have the truth
We are going to rise up and kill the devil
Oh God, you’re raising an army in the belly of this whore.
She has chosen to feed on the blood of your dead martyrs.
The birth pangs have started.
It’s almost time to rise up, to see the light this world is holding for us.
He’s reaching through everything, he’s working on a way to bring us back to him.
Our God is greater than the Executive Chief.
Don’t you dare think about serving a second master.
Babylon will fall again and again and again.
Maybe by the fortieth time she’ll finally choose to lay down die.
Baptize the world my friends, my fellow soldiers.
From Ethiopia to the next Babylon over
Don’t let these lustful dreams blind your sight of the horror that they come from.
“I’m bleeding for you while you continue to go your own way.
You are the one that pleases me oh weary soul. I believe in you.
Join the fight and raise up your arms against the man with the horns.”
Now is the time for us to move.
This is the time for action. Break the ropes that tie us here.
Don’t climb in bed with that succubus.
She’ll claim your soul before you know and you’ll be stuck climbing out of the bottomless hole.
You have the key to release the chains and re-enter the light
This world is God’s. The Lord of Lords’.
We are Immortal.
If you believe join me.
We are Immortal.
This empire shall fall.

This Is It

"Son, this is it. This is it. You're gonna sink for your sins, unless grace be the wind."

Grace is a funny thing. It is an unfair thing. It is a scandalous thing. I'm learning to be all right with that. Will you join me?

Coordinates

Have you ever had a moment where you knew you were exactly where God wanted you to be?

This summer, I have had the legendary opportunity to be actively involved as youth staff in the youth group that I've pretty much been raised in. I've been attending Impact Community Church for just about 9 years now, which is half a year shorter than the church has been opened. Josh, has allowed myself and David Phillips to step in this summer and take control of games and recreational activities, which eventually led up to us basically in charge of Tuesday nights. It's been a heck of a lot of fun these past 11-ish weeks or so that I've been involved, and I've created a lot of memories that I will carry with me always.

Every Tuesday night was supposed to look different, and hopefully they did. The set up was never the same and when it came to the games and the overall feel of the night, David and I wanted everything to be intertwined with itself. Each night had a theme that we wanted to present to the students in a new way. Something visual, audible, tangible. We wanted every night to be real, and it took a lot of planning. David and I met at Jack In The Box on a regular basis to develop our thoughts and ideas and to decide how we would make each night memorable.

For me, the first night that I really felt like our mission was accomplished was Tuesday, July 14. This was the week we played strobe light capture the flag. It was also the first Tuesday after the Scream the Prayer tour (Best show ever). David and I wanted to be brutal with the message because the game was a representation of reality. We talked about Jesus returning like a thief in the night, and how we'll never know when the day of the Lord is to come. We have to fight our battles everyday because, in the words of For Today, "there will never be a second chance to live today for God." Epic right? The game was a million times more awesome. Blood was spilt. It was legendary. After the night, I had kids texting me and sending me messages on various social networking websites telling me how awesome and powerful the night was. Needless to say, I was stoked off of what God was going to do this summer.

The next week is by far my favorite. The theme: God never, ever stops seeking you. The game: Sardines (It's a classic. How could we not?). It's what happened after the game that is forever imprinted on my memory. I had the opportunity to share my testimony with about 57 kids (Josh took a sick picture that is now my background on my computer). It was amazing. There is a previous post about that night on here somewhere so look that up if you haven't read it. That night, however, was the night that did me in. It was the night were I knew that I was here for a reason. It was what I had been waiting for all summer. It was my chance to share my story and to help ease the pain that exists in this world for just a few people, and to be honest, I haven't really seen a lot of those people since. Of the 15 or so kids who talked with me afterwards, only about 6 of them have I seen since that night. I'm ok with that. There was a reason they were in the room. That was the night everything has led up to.

Every single week since than has been one of those, "God has surely moved in this place" moments for me. Last Tuesday we discussed persecution and how it drove the early church, and how it drives some modern churches to this very day. It was powerful, and I know it has changed lives.

And today, Sunday, was another one of those days. Josh and John, youth pastor and worship leader, respectively, were both gone on vacation. This act of God meant that David and myself were in charge of both student services, and that I was to lead worship. Stoked. I've never lead a team before. That's a lie. I did once, for the LINK at Hope, with Ausdin, Bryan, Hosanna, and freakin' JoJo. For me, music has always been the best way to connect with God. It can transcend everything. David and I got to share this during the Pause service, where we played songs from bands like Family Force 5, For Today, Sleeping Giant, As Cities Burn, and August Burns Red. It was sick. Anyways, it was beastly, having a chance to lead. I don't know how everyone reacted to it, but I had a good time, and the band had a good time. I know somewhere God moved, and that's all that matters.

But to the point: I'm super stoked for being in this town. As much as I complain about it, or make fun of it, God is still present in this city. This isn't Sodom or Gomorrah. It's a Jerusalem, or a Caesarea Philippi. It's still alive. Also, I post this because I want to thank anyone that has ever supported me, or come out on a Tuesday or a Sunday, or just dealt with my attitude and personality, that's a feat in and of itself.

Lastly, never be upset with where God has placed you, whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or geographically. It might suck at first, but good things come to those who show up, who allow themselves to be used for something bigger than their own glory. Get stoked off the little things because it makes the big things that much more awesome.

I apologize for the length of this blog. I just have one final thing to say. It's a quote by August Burns Red.

"The walls of a church don't make it holy. It's what's authentic that completes the sum of it's parts."

There is authenticity and legitimacy everywhere in the world. The Church is a group of people, not a place. Wherever you interact with Truth and Love and Hope and Authenticity, you are interacting with God. Soak in those moments. Remember that you are loved.

Thank you.

Danny

We will be the hopeful.

Question:

What does this mean to you?

Response to MTV's Real World: Cancun S22E5

If you have not seen this episode, you can view it here:

http://www.mtv.com/videos/the-real-world-cancun-ep-5-payback-piglets-and-projects/1616252/playlist.jhtml

This episode is heavy. The main issue is that of self-injury, something that I've had experiences with, and believe can be fully prevented and treated. Ayiiia feels unwanted and unloved. She feels like everyone of the male gender stands against her on the show. She feels alone. I understand that it may appear that Ayiiia is looking for attention and that she might be faking her feelings so that she gets more time on the air. I understand that it appears that she is a drama queen and blah, blah, blah. I get that. However, self-injury is no joke. It is not something to be taken lightly. It is real, and people's lives are taken from it. I feel that MTV handled this well, not the best, but well. I don't know what was happening behind the scenes, or how whether or not it was scripted or whether certain people were paid more to have less compassion or any of that. If it was not presented in the show I don't know about it. End of that story. When Ayiiia was cutting herself and acting out her agression, depression, what have you, she found herself in the arms of people that wanted to make a difference in her life. These people wanted the best for her, whether it was an encouraging word, a hug, or just their simple presence in tough times, I believe that these people reminded her that she is human and worth more. Even when Joey, CJ, and Bronne continuously insulted her and poured salt in Ayiiia's fresh wounds, these people stood by her and supported her and loved on her even though it was a situation beyond them. At the end of the episode were two things that significantly struck a chord within me. The first were the encouraging words of Emily? or Jonna (I've never watched this before). The words, "I know what it's like to reach rock bottom and have nobody, but I'm here for you," are so much more powerful than we often think. It reminds people that they are not alone in their struggles, that we are all on the same plane, and that there is hope for tomorrow. The second thing was the Public Service Announcement at the end of the show. It's as simple as this: go to this website, call this number. It's over. That's all it takes to make a difference. From the comments I've read on the page, numerous people that watch this show deal with, or have dealt, with the issue of self-injury. This show was distributed, via the internet and MTV, to millions of people across the globe. This was the chance for a life-saving conversation to spark. A chance for people to get help for the things they hide a way. A chance for hurt to be ceased. It's provided hope for thousands who only see the darkness before them. Though MTV's Real World: Cancun may not have been the best way to get reality before the world, it has, and it's worked. Today is the day an issue that has been ignored is given light. I believe MTV has done the right thing by airing this episode, and I'll take as much flak for that as can be dished out. This is why organizations like To Write Love On Her Arms exist. It's time to become a vulnerable people that let our issues be known. The only ways to kill the monsters in our closet is to open the door and stab at them, or blow the whole house up. One of TWLOHA's staff stated it like this: "When faced with an issue they don't understand, like self-injury, people can either antagonize, sympathize, or become apathetic."

If you struggle with this, there is hope. You are not alone. There are places like halfofus.com and Twloha.com that can provide a light. There are numbers you can call 1-800-DONTCUT, 1-800-SUICIDE, t-800-273-TALK. You don't have to carry this burden by yourself. You aren't the only one that has ever felt this way. There is a community of people that believes in you. You are worth more.

My God Is Greater

Last night I had the fantastic opportunity to do something that I've felt lead to do for about three years. I got up in front of a group of students, shared my testimony, and lead worship. If any of you know my story, you know how difficult it was for me to do this. I've been to a lot of dark places, but God has always sought after me and reminded me that I am worth something, and that I am remembered and never forgotten. This was the message I had a chance to share with 57 kids last night: you are worth more than the things you can do for others, you are worth more than the things you can't do for others, you are someone, you are God's unique creation, it's not about what you accomplish but rather your existence, you are worth something. God was totally in the room last night and it was proven when I lead the students and staff in two songs: "Dirty and Left Out" by The Almost, and "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan. These songs are two very powerful ones, and as I began to sang, the kids began to sing. In the middle of "How He Loves" I stopped playing and told the kids that when I hit the chorus the second time I wanted them to belt it out to God. I wanted them to sing as loud as possible to a God who doesn't care about pitch or tone, but who cares about what comes from the heart as opposed to the head. When I hit the chorus, I was not prepared for what I was about to hear. 57 kids were shouting at the top of their lungs and the whole room was filled with music. I instantly began to cry. God was moving in the spirits of these students. After I finished my set of everything, I had about 12 kids walk up to me and explain how much my words and songs meant to them. I had the chance to pray with a few of them, but talk with a lot and remind them that they are worth something. That they are beautiful people that God is going to use to lead a generation to Christ. God was in a garage in South Sacramento, Ca on a Tuesday night at 8 pm. God is moving this world, this generation of kids who hold beliefs so strong that they will never back down. My God will never back down. My God is greater than this world and a movement is about to blow the lid off of everything we have ever imagined.

Jesus Loves You, This I Know

The title of the new book by Craig Gross and Jason Harper may bring back powerful memories of warm afternoons spent in Sunday school in one's Sunday best; however, for many, the name, Jesus, may fill their hearts with rage and anger. The contents of the book do neither of these for me personally. The best way to describe this book is simple, but so profound. Craig and Jason write this book in order to break the trend in culture that says Jesus was a strict ruler and governs all of the laws of Christianity. The authors attempt, and I believe succeed, at breaking down the walls of religious dogma and take the reader back into the scriptures to show what Jesus was truly like and how he would truly act. The book itself is filled with fantastic stories and personal examples from the lives of both of these men. Each illustration is perfectly placed to show how Jesus loves all people of all societies. I am recommending this book to everyone out there who reads this. My perspective on Jesus has been absolutely annihilated, but in the most encouraging of ways. Pick this book up September 1, 2009.

Christians

I’m not going to apologize for my next sentence.

You are defacing the church.

Smiles don’t reach across the waters and money doesn’t solve all things.

If you hide your claws you will have nothing to keep a grip.

Away with all of your slogans.

The son doesn’t need another flashy t-shirt for you to declare your faith.

The clothing oft makes the man, but your words are the only thing that can save a brother, sister. I mean have you ever had a deep discussion about NT Wright’s latest book with a pair of socks that read john 3:16.

That’s preposterous.

Formulas work for some, but the diluted pattern of discussion soon allows the second party to see that you don’t mean much by it.

Words should come from the heart not the new best seller in the Christian market.

And I know you might mean the best and that you intend on changing the hearts of men

but your fishing with rotten bait.

Times are changing. Your methods must too.

Straighten out your back because I wont do it for you

Our god has made us too pretty and we cant help but stare in the mirror.

We just forget about the real issues the least struggle with.

As we spend point eight five cents a page for an inward appearance,

the man on the corner freezes or melts depending on the season.

We are broken and out of key.

Let us find our reality once again so we may be released from the hooks that keep us tethered to the lies from the deception artist himself.

Look up and say your prayers.

Look left and use your hands to solve the isolation issue.

Serve under Christ’s kingdom.

To be happy is to suck.

Terrorists

My God is a terrorist

And I don’t mean that with any disrespect

It’s just the best way for me to look at Him

To try and fit something in my mind about his infinite greatness

When we were created we were meant to be loved unconditionally

But we fell apart and were kicked out of God’s great city

And ever since then life has been a struggle

As we push forward serpents attack our heels

And we must crush their skulls before the venom has enough time to make it to our arteries

Every person that is called towards my Lord is part of something bigger

Not just a religion or a relationship

We are called to fight in a war

Or better yet, the great tug-of-war

All around us lies the vast sadness

The overwhelming lack of goodness in the world

And our God is fighting to bring his heaven back to earth

To redeem the city that we sleep in

To bring hope back to the streets and the alleys

Once I was washed anew I was baptized by fire

The refining fire that tells me of the battle I will engage in

I was trained up in the way of the Lord

Given a sword of spirit

And a shield of faith

The freedom to take my battle to unknown lands

I am a soldier

We are the insurgents

Fighting to bring back sovereignty to our Father

Our Creator

Our Everlasting

And it’s not that he ever lost his sovereignty

He limits Himself to give us another purpose

To consistently turn others towards the way

This is not a crusade

This is not a holy war

Its an invisible battle over salvation

We have nothing to lose except our place in the afterlife

This time is ours, take up your sword and begin to fight with love

To aim compassion towards the Establishment and fire at will

This is a love war

Join us and fight.

The Following Takes Place Between 12 AM and 1 AM

my mother never told me that I was special.

and daddy never told me that he was proud of me.

so to fulfill my purpose and to make them proud I wanted to live for something that was bigger than my hopes and dreams

But I scribbled out that plan with a black magnum sharpie.

You can say its that shame that keeps me sinking down the periodic climb up the ladder of life,

but I know that it's more of a heart issue than one of mass and gravity.

I've always had my doubts about divination but never before were they in technicolor, 3D, larger than life coming off that page while the ghosts of my past were still standing right beside me.

Little boy welcome to failure.

I hope you make yourself comfortable.

I get the feeling that we will become the best of friends while you have life in those veins.

So, I drafted a new plan to slash theses wrists in an effort to get all the failure out while I can.

I will always compromise when the weight is right,

upon my back with seemingly no way out of a house of mirrors

I will always compromise when the weight is right,

and it doesn't take much to make me start to sink.

I was told that my bones would start to break before my body would bleed and I thought I'd put that theory to the test

There is only so much that you can do as a 13 year old boy to relieve the sensations that those 13 year old boys feel

and the list of things to put my faith in seems to be on a downward slope

I've read:

"I set my mind on this and therefore I have hope"

I can't even seem to find a way to cope with the new messages that are being sent to my brain electronically

Call it hormones, call it ecstasy

Hell, you can even call it the latest disease

But something inside me is broken and not easily fixed and I'm thinking that my presence on the earth will only be lightly missed

Someone tell me that Satan has gotten ahold of me one more time and I swear to God that I will start to ascend to the skies.

This life that I lived was supposed to be one that I could call me own

But I'm afraid that my only option is to cut my skin down to my bone

The syllables roll of their tongues in a way that makes me think that the voices are true.

I'm going crazy and my hand is outstretched but ignored by you.

It's funny how the subtraction of words from a few sentences changes the meaning entirely.

I would love to help you, boy.

used to look a lot like

I would love to help, but I hate you.

Isn't this the point where Angels descend and the heart in my chest is made well again?

I guess not or maybe the demons have too deep a hand.

Should I change my name to Legion

Or will God afflict me again?

Lord, I want to believe in you so badly

but, the thorns around my heart have taken over your throne.

Maybe if you save me one more time I'll allow you to cast the first stone

and pray to you that it makes a dent in the door that is keeping my closet closed.

I've only got so much time left in this life

and all these events have taken place with my hand upon a knife.

Hands

If you've ever been tempted my pictures on pages, raise your hand

If you've ever been isolated so badly that you thought there was never a light, raise your hand

If you've ever allowed a complex that says you aren't good enough to exist infect your mind, raise your hand

If you've ever even thought about ridding the world of the body you take up space with, raise your hand.

If you've ever doubted the existence of something greater watching over you, raise your hand.

If you still doubt, raise your hand.

If you've ever imagined that love doesn't exist and that this world is full of evil people, sans a few, raise your hand

If you believe that money and violence will never bring peace raise your hand

If you believe that money and violence are the only way raise your hand.

If you've ever thought that your friends are before anything else raise your hand.

If you are alive because of someone else raise your hand.

If you stand here, in this room, and you don't have a hand raised let me ask you something. Are you alive at all?

Today

My ability to write good things has been decreasing.

I've noticed that it's been failing every since you left my proximity.

You were supposed to be my inspiration and you were such a good one while you were.

Now you are four hundred and forty-nine miles separated by the earth we stand on

and I am left wondering if there is any hope for my cause.

I can hear the voices talking in my ear telling me that I'm up to no good again.

But I can read the messages telling me that I am making a difference in a life.

One voice has this constant clarity that allows it to ring and resonate in my ear.

The speech feels soothing and the words are tangible and concrete.

The other only works when I sign on, log in and once I'm off the mouth is closed.

Silence.

I've always wondered if I was the only human to ever hear my own voice inside of my head,

but I'm afraid to bring it up to anyone because I don't want to be sent to a place where I am forced to take any form of medication.

I refused to be made a victim of something that can be quite helpful when I need it.

These voices tell me about my fashion and what I'm supposed to wear.

They tell me what people are thinking on the inside and what true colors radiate from beyond their own skin.

and the voices assure me that I should "solemnly swear I am up to no good."

because only then will I create the fan base that I so deeply desire.

Then my heart begins to scream, "Hold up. Stop the presses! When did this talent and gift become a thing for media-driven hearts and kids with agendas to receive. Is this not the thing that you wish to bring peace to the hearts of all who can listen?"

and Indeed, I did want this to be for all to find a sense of home.

For them to be reminded that they are not alone and are surrounded by a world of people who feel their pain.

but then I got that lawyer involved and all of my plans were placed away.

Those damn voices got inside my heart and tied it down.

Gagged and bounded it wouldn't speak for a long while.

I was then free to control my own destiny with out any emotion getting in the way.

And now I present to you the man I am today

Right Now

"Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe."

because for the first time in my life I'm starting to get it

because community is so much more that what I though it was

because what I thought was a skeleton is actually retaining flesh and blood

because my friends are the greatest community I will ever find

because my God is redeeming me daily

because I am capable of things larger than what my mind can contain or process

That is why I write.

I'm getting it. Slowly, but I am starting to understand that I have gifts that are to be used for more than my satisfaction

Quicksand

Place another notch in that door post for the next age that I’ve survived.

I think the total is up to nineteen now even though i should have died a few years ago.

People always tell me that I’m so negative because i don’t have these big birthday bashes

The ones where everyone shows up and leaves completely spent and wasted.

What is the point of celebrating the fact that i am one year closer to death?

In celebrating the fact that i am still failing my mission as declared by my God?

Drowning is so much fun isnt it?

If anything i would prefer a jubilee over the fact that I’m still alive.

the devil’s been inside me and established an outpost somewhere in here.

And so i will wait two years necessary until i can drink myself into a stupor

and it would be called legal.

but for now im going to fill these hurting lungs with smoke out back

and think about the fact that everything i knew about my life is proven false every day i exist. Here’s to another day of pain and tears

and as I swallow the last drop of this bottle I can feel it wallowing in my throat

with the last intake of a cigarette it waits for me to exhale so it can escape

I’m so used to letting them win that I expect loss but not this time

God, if you could be of some sort of assistance.

I’m going to try and hold these demons in this body as long as I can

But the room is getting smaller as the oxygen ceases to flow to my brain

Can you turn the lights back on? I seem to have lost my path

Everything has begun to spin and I believe I have achieve total numbness

This must be the reason why so many people drink the toxins that they do

I can’t feel anything anymore and I’m ok with that, are you?

Isn’t it so much easier to run from it all than to turn the other cheek and stare it in the face?

Define your terms before you lose all hope in me because I can only try so hard before I lose all sense of energy

And you’re lack of effort to save me from myself only allows their words to continue to infiltrate

I’ve spent 19 years trying to hold this all in and it’s time that my doubts become known

Where have we been and why did we go from everything that was ours?

Hopefully I can get this cleaned up in time for my parents to never know that inside I’m another tormented soul.

If you’ll excuse me though it’s time for me to take my pills and fix myself

I do pray that you have another day surviving in the quicksand

Angles.

You are the apple of my eye, the object of my affection.

I could toss around a million different cliches that all say the same thing:

You have my attention.

Forgive me miss, if I use cheesy lines, that is not my intention

It is only my attempt to look at you through God's eyes.

And now you've probably heard it all before, but never like this, I don't think.

I don't say these things for any other reason that to make you feel beautiful like you should.

This is not an attempt to get in those pants, or for any time of selfish desire.

For you are God's creation, and to do any of that would be to stamp the word "object" all over your portrait.

I am trying my hardest to understand the way that you function,

for when I told you I loved you i meant it with all that was in me.

You aren't some piece of me for me to fantasize about.

You are and individual with a heart and soul.

Your blood runs through veins that are similar to mine.

Your heart beats like mine but in a different time

and I never want to break that fragile heart of yours, no matter how much you doubt the truth of my words.

This is my honest attempt to love you. This won't be my last attempt to love you.

I know it sounds a little creepy, but I will never stop loving you

and you can take that as it is or try and love me too.

I wish to speak your language of love so I could better show you.

Your language of love is my love language too.

This is agape at its finest, second only to Jesus in the Gospels.

It still hurts when you don't see it, don't lean in ant try to feel if it is real,

but I love you still, despite the hurt, and so I will say again:

There is nothing you can do to look any less beautiful or be any less loved.

There is nothing you can do to look any less beautiful or be any less loved.

I'm only trying to see you from the angle that my Father does

Remember

I took this from the To Write Love On Her Arms Myspace blog. It is a reminder that this three day weekend is more than fun, more than a break. It is a reminder to remember that there are things we cannot perceive until we've been there, and that people see these sights everyday. Remember our soldiers, our family, our friends, our neighbors.

Take some time this weekend to remember.

War is a very real thing.

If you feel free or safe tonight, know that it has come and continues to come at the highest cost.

Soldiers are people - they are us - and many have given their lives for our freedom and security.

This is not about politics. This is about people.

The ones that live, can we even imagine what they've experienced, what they've seen and felt and lost?

What does it mean to "go back to normal"?

How do they recover? How do they "let it go"?

This weekend, let's do better than "i don't have to go to work on Monday". Let's look beyond "Oh cool, a three-day weekend."

Take some time to consider the soldiers. The people.

Sons and daughters, brothers and husbands and wives. Someone's father or mother. Someone's uncle. Cousin. Neighbor. Friend.

They are the fallen and the fighting and the ones forever trying to make sense of "home". They are missed by millions.

Have a conversation. Say "thank you". Ask a question.

The day is meant for remembering. Not just the deaths but the lives and the living.

We live in a day with more distractions than ever before. More excuses. We make an enormous mistake if we fail to honor these people, if we fail to pause to consider and be grateful and be kind.

Take some time this weekend to remember. Remember someone you've lost. Remember all the different soldiers. Remember the things that matter and the things that are true.

Peace to you.
jamie"

Levi The Poet

"in

fact I'm a little scared sometimes that this is all in vain,

with a million little

mes running all over eternity it's no wonder my hope has such a bad name!

But I know, no matter how large a hypocrite, or how small my faith,

When you began to talk about perfection the way you talk about my pain

You became the seed inside that gave root to change!

And I pray every day that there is power in prayer,

And I hope with all my heart that my heart will find you there,

And if you're really bigger than my skepticism

Then how dare I compare the high I prescribe with the beauty you prepare?

I am a skeleton in a little fragile skin

But one soul could raise me up from this grave!

I am a

skeleton in a little fragile skin, oh, the end is heaven

and I want to be saved!

I am a skeleton in a little fragile skin,

It's so simple to give in

again and again,

I am a skeleton in a little fragile skin,

If you're really up there in those clouds then

Could you set me free from my…

SIN?"

-Oh Captain, My Captain

Levi The Poet

www.myspace.com/levithepoet

Updates

So I haven't updated this thing in almost two weeks. Many of you readers may know, but I have started a Music Myspace for my "spoken word" stuff, but there will most likely be other recordings up there. www.myspace.com/dannysugimotospoken

I've been on summer break for a week now, and it's really weird. When you live in community with 70 close friends, and then you move to a town that you hate and would probably leave if it weren't for the few friends you have remaining and your church, life takes an awkward turn that needs a full transition. Sometimes I feel crazy, but I would rather live at my school all year than be in Sacramento.

I am currently in the planning process of a trip to Washington, D.C. with a good friend of mine. The trip is for Lobby Days, which is an event hosted by Invisible Children. Back on April 25, in 100 cities around the world, Invisible Children asked people to abduct themselves and stand in solidarity with the 30,000 child soldiers that have been abducted in the night to fight in Africa's longest war. Lobby Days is how the event will end. Find out more at howitends.tv I am hoping to go with my friend, so your thoughts and prayers and maybe even your money would help in the most outstanding way. I am not sure how I am going to raise enough money for this trip.

So that is my life thus far.

See you later.

Dear God.

Dear God,I think you’ve got this love thing all wrong

I read somewhere that the greatest love is to die for your brother

And that we should love our neighbors

And our enemies

But I think you must have omitted something from your great commission

How I am supposed to love my neighbor when they plot against me?

And my enemies constantly threaten kill or killed be

Yet you tell me that I am to love them.

And then you said that you yourself were love

And that I just don’t understand

It’s not that it’s too vague or anything

It just can’t be real

Because where were you in all the times I found love and needed love?

I didn’t see you last night when my girlfriend and I were making it

And I didn’t see you 6 years ago with that picture on the screen

That would take everything that I have ever achieved

And break it down right in front of me

So that for 6, sick years I thought I knew what pleasure was.

Where were you then God?

And Where were you when my mother died?

And the breath in her chest was finally at rest

That was when I did my best to search for you

From the top of my head to the sole of my shoe

I searched the walls of my closest and you still weren’t there

And so I sat alone in the dark until something came that cared

Now the infectious disease has taken over my body

The body you have made and I still can’t even feel you

So I think you were wrong about this whole love thing

Because if you really loved me you’d be here

By my side taking care of me

And all of the hurts that I hold inside

Dear God, I think you’re a liar

Amen

Change

Excuse me, but I haven't been very honest lately

I keep telling humanity that I want to change the world,

but I have yet to do so

because I have this beau in my eye that lets me know

when it is time and right now is not the time

so I'm thinking that these thoughts in my mind should just subside.

But a great man once said, "Be the change you want to be in the world."

As in, "Change yourself, then show them the way."

But internally I haven't felt very changed.

I haven't been playing my part in this production

I speak for love and affection

but I act with harsh words and vague representations

of things that are actually not that hard to represent.

My mind is being logical but my body is sentimental.

"I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands"

but I won't play the victim.

I am the culprit.

I am made of concrete and shall not be moved.

My body has taken shape and this is all you have left of me

and the heart in me is one full of malice and greed,

an amount that no eye has ever seen. But my God,

He says He knows the plans that He has made for me.

Plans to grow me up and make me strong

but why do I feel weak and full of doubt if these where the plans all along?

"The plays the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."

We all have parts to play, but

have we studied our lines?

Finals

Hello? Hello?

Operator?

Can you please tell me if anyone is listening to my thoughts?

I bleed myself dry upon this computer screen

that seems to laugh as the scene of liquid and bodily fluid

spills over and under my lifeless body.

The words that I write will be quickly forgotten by my peers.

The pages that I've used will be lost in a few years.

Yet, the memory of these long nights of struggle

will stay imprinted in my mind until I am buried six feet under.

The purpose of this nightmare is to satisfy my parents.

To allow the pressure that they place upon me to reign true.

But I am full of falsities and the blasphemous thoughts that are due.

The battery is draining and I am searching for some sort of charge.

Some source of energy that will soothe my nervousness and fear.

They will never understand what devours from the inside

because the heart is never strong enough to speak

when the time necessitates it.

It is not bold enough to protect itself when morality is blurred.

I am dry of bodily fluids

and this room is painted red with guilt.

There Was A Time

There was a time.

There was a time when I found that I was a broken man.

When I found that pain and addiction were real,

even if I didn’t have the nerve to feel.

It was up late on my computer when images of things,

not meant for kids were seen

and I found myself drooling over them like a fiend.

Like a prisoner.

I was a slave and this was the hope for freedom.

And this is not easy to say nor is it easy to think about

because I had become the least of these.

A form of charity because my heart was weak

and my hands were of the demons inside me.

I don’t remember fighting but I remember:

watching as my image of God's children was tarnished in a few minutes of selfish desire.

I am flawed but I am loved.

You are flawed but you are loved unconditionally

because conditions have a knack for becoming legal documents that we sign our names to

and soon we are lost in a world of legalism and disadvantage

but God’s love is nothing like that

His grace is a gift that we are not meant to understand

And that is ok

That is all right with me

Is it all right with you?

Because if it is not all right with you there is a problem here

I found that healing comes to the broken first

But you must admit that you are broken to be healed

Otherwise your pride will cause you to be overlooked

And you will find yourself on the doormat where mothers weep

And fathers cry

And teeth gnash against each other like brothers who cannot decide what game to play

But my hands have found their restraints in healing

And those images that I will remember until I am old and faint and my skin is peeling

They will be forgiven and I pray to this day

That you ask and seek and find as the good Lord did say

Leaks

I don't know what to write anymore

I have these outstanding experiences with the Lord

and then I turn it all back and find myself lost again

I remember a time when I lost myself for the worst

It was an incredible time without pills or alcohol or smoke

and sometimes I wonder if they would have made it better

There were no drugs just women

and there were no dances-just depression

no celebration but sorrow

I was so lost and I thought that I would never be found

grace was a word that I was foreign to

I thought I knew God and that I had my mind wrapped around Him

I thought that I was amazing and knew everything that ever could about everything that I ever could know because I was in the 8th grade and life was damn good

but it wasn't

and I found myself searching for a way out

because I had come to find that I had doubts

and that the shell that I placed around my life was crumbling down

and as my friends went and got drunk and high I was alone

I was alone and trying not to cry

I was a wreck and I still am now

I thought that my life was worth nothing if there was no god in the sky

I knew that to overcome my sorrow and doubts that I must die

and ascend to the heavens like an angel

but I was a thief and in my heart I knew it could not be

so I sat in my room and watched as no scars formed on my arms

as the knife I had recently purchased wouldn't cut through my skin

wouldn't kill a man as thick as I even though inside I was thin

And an incredible thing happened but I won't speak of it yet

as my music blared and my heart beat I found that there was more to me

that the God who built me and constructed me would be there with me

that I could doubt and still believe because God cannot be conceived

He cannot be held by the hands of men

the Creator cannot be created, nor placed in a box

by this time I was pulling out the stops

because if you love me you'll let me know

because you, my God, never let go

you are larger than anything I can dream

and you will be searched for and seen

you are the love that I so deeply seek

for my aching heart has consistent leaks

fill my heart and let it know

I am not alone

magnetism

I have so many thoughts.

So many words to be said

my tongue cannot work that quickly

I've found that when I'm wake I carry my emotions over

and I have nothing to show for it

I have injuries, scars, and open wounds

I am still drawn to you

I wish to cut you off and walk away

To save myself from some deeper injury

but I can't

I can no longer write

Stab

I've never known what it was like

What it was to be a barrier to the one I loved

But I know now

I never knew that I was the problem

That I was the murderer destroying this relationship

Forgive me my trespasses.

I'm just hoping stab wounds heal quick

Cause if you you love her, then you'll let her go

and though I've been on top of the world

lately it's all tumbling down

I had a castle made of glass

and now I have a temple of rubble

Thanks for pointing out my flaws

This fucking hurts

The Few Will Cycle Through

The warmth of the sun reminds me of you

The undeserving rain that you bring upon as when we fester

awake in the sleep that we have crept into

The hands of the ground are searching for limbs to tear

I am waiting for something quiet

for the whisper that I know you are found in

The lips speak of liquor and razors

narcotics seep from my pores and I am left alone

"To be honest is to be one man picked of thousands"

I seem to have lost my honesty

Help me attach to what is true and make it my own

Death has come in the shape of her figure

with lips made of arson

not even arsenic can save my soul from Hell

I speak in metaphors because I am afraid of my own truth

Afraid of the mirror I have been staring into

Burn this down with the napalm in your veins

My rubies have lost their touch

My gold has lost its shine

My tin is the new currency

My God save me

I am.

I am poured out like water

I am made of decaying flesh

I am broken and beaten down by my own hands

I am building stairs to nothing

I am an accessory of sin and guilt

I am approaching a waterfall

I am the destruction of Jerusalem

I am heaven sent, but forgotten above all else

I am not poetic anymore

I am not satisfied with this

I am alone and amiss

I am misdirected and forsaken

I am where I never wanted to be again

Looks

I've been stealing glances from the moment that I met you

It used to be because you were something to be sought

You were something that I planned to have and so I was checking the merchandise

But here we are some 8 months later, and things are completely different

You are no longer an empty shell in the shape of a woman,

but you are my friend, my companion

You are nothing to sought after because you have found me

forced me to be something different

to be something changed

You have challenged me, and I am the better for it

The moments that I spend with you don't seem to be long enough

and time away seems to have worn out its welcome

I have never be so comfortably convinced that you are for me

and I am for you , with everything I can give

The talks seem to make it worth it, and the calls will come soon enough

I will miss you for three months, but be satisfied again

You shall be my stronghold

my fortress

but I will not worship you

I will only love you

To be yours

I've been watching this love grow larger and larger.

Perhaps some day you'll take my hand.

Maybe some day you'll see me as I am.

Forgive me for being expressive.

I Have never felt this before.

Woken from a deep sleep my heart is drawn to you

As it has been from day one.

You had me from the introduction

and you'll hold me through the end of time.

We are working through our faults

and i keep falling for you miss.

I keep chasing after you.

The stars seem to come after me and I love it all.

I love the feeling of your head on my chest and my arm around you.

I want this to be perfect. I want this to be the love of dreams.

That we live and die for.

I want to be yours And for you to be mine

She is So Lovely

She is so lovely.

With eyes that connect to me.

I Could stare into them for hours.

When you look closely you can see the angels around her

yet if you heard her speak you’d swear she was one herself.

The way she fits perfectly in my arms reminds of the God that loves me

The stars in the sky lost so much beauty when she was born

And to her heart I am sworn until the end of time

There is nothing that I would do to damage this relationship

There is nothing more that I would ask of her

Everything that she gives is good enough for me

I would seek her in the corners of the earth

Or into the darkness of space

I would search high and low and far and wide

She can have my heart in her hands if she wants to

I could write for years about her

She is so lovely to me