The Last Time

God, the last time I cried was September 24, after releasing you from your box

You rebuked me once I let you go, but I know it was out of love

It was just after that precious girl threw her arms around my neck

As I pulled her close with tear filled eyes she whispered,
“6 months ago would you have ever thought that you would have told your story to this many people? You’re changing lives, Danny.”

And right around then I held her tighter and lost all control over my water works.

God, I thank you so much for the presence of that girl in my life and the words you gave her to stir my soul

But in the times of drought when your voice is gone with the wind I search and seek and fall asleep in the middle of my mission

When I get scared I turn to others for comfort because who needs a savior when you have big, burly friends?

Who needs a God when you have medicine to fix the things that years ago you would have died from?

I wish that I could turn you into some form of material so that I could understand you

Something like my teddy and bankey I had when I was younger

So that if I ever got scared I’d hold them both close for some faulty sense of security

But I’m getting a little bit older with every second and I find myself questioning your grace amazing

Because my mind won’t stop pacing due to the fact that my questions are facing something eternal and true

I just want to understand you

It would be so much easier if I could wrap my brain around eternity

But for the last ten years the god that served me lived inside this silly cardboard box and I’d forget to feed him for a few days and then fear the fact that if I tried to open that cage he’d push me aside and try to escape.
I’m so sick of feeling like I’m the only one who has ever doubted you, if You love me so much why can’t you just make me love you

Why do I have to go through all of the questions of whether you exist and how great your sovereignty is and the stupid little details that I pay attention to

Do you even pay attention to those things? Or am I just chasing the wind trying to add up a bunch of adjectives to build you a slightly bigger box and force you back in

I know that some day you’re gonna break out of this cage and leave me here to stay and rot because of all the things I did when I should have not

Or is this my faulty theology that makes me wonder about your wonder and wish that I knew everything about the great I AM

I understand alpha and omega, but beginning and end….really?

I’ve got so many questions and none are getting answered

But every where I look you keep telling me to shut my mouth and be still and know you are God

I don’t even know what it is to know because my stupid philosophy class makes me doubt everything I’ve ever known.

God, the Last time I cried was September 25, 2009 out of frustration because my bridge is burning at both ends all the time