Leaks

I don't know what to write anymore

I have these outstanding experiences with the Lord

and then I turn it all back and find myself lost again

I remember a time when I lost myself for the worst

It was an incredible time without pills or alcohol or smoke

and sometimes I wonder if they would have made it better

There were no drugs just women

and there were no dances-just depression

no celebration but sorrow

I was so lost and I thought that I would never be found

grace was a word that I was foreign to

I thought I knew God and that I had my mind wrapped around Him

I thought that I was amazing and knew everything that ever could about everything that I ever could know because I was in the 8th grade and life was damn good

but it wasn't

and I found myself searching for a way out

because I had come to find that I had doubts

and that the shell that I placed around my life was crumbling down

and as my friends went and got drunk and high I was alone

I was alone and trying not to cry

I was a wreck and I still am now

I thought that my life was worth nothing if there was no god in the sky

I knew that to overcome my sorrow and doubts that I must die

and ascend to the heavens like an angel

but I was a thief and in my heart I knew it could not be

so I sat in my room and watched as no scars formed on my arms

as the knife I had recently purchased wouldn't cut through my skin

wouldn't kill a man as thick as I even though inside I was thin

And an incredible thing happened but I won't speak of it yet

as my music blared and my heart beat I found that there was more to me

that the God who built me and constructed me would be there with me

that I could doubt and still believe because God cannot be conceived

He cannot be held by the hands of men

the Creator cannot be created, nor placed in a box

by this time I was pulling out the stops

because if you love me you'll let me know

because you, my God, never let go

you are larger than anything I can dream

and you will be searched for and seen

you are the love that I so deeply seek

for my aching heart has consistent leaks

fill my heart and let it know

I am not alone