There Was A Time

There was a time.

There was a time when I found that I was a broken man.

When I found that pain and addiction were real,

even if I didn’t have the nerve to feel.

It was up late on my computer when images of things,

not meant for kids were seen

and I found myself drooling over them like a fiend.

Like a prisoner.

I was a slave and this was the hope for freedom.

And this is not easy to say nor is it easy to think about

because I had become the least of these.

A form of charity because my heart was weak

and my hands were of the demons inside me.

I don’t remember fighting but I remember:

watching as my image of God's children was tarnished in a few minutes of selfish desire.

I am flawed but I am loved.

You are flawed but you are loved unconditionally

because conditions have a knack for becoming legal documents that we sign our names to

and soon we are lost in a world of legalism and disadvantage

but God’s love is nothing like that

His grace is a gift that we are not meant to understand

And that is ok

That is all right with me

Is it all right with you?

Because if it is not all right with you there is a problem here

I found that healing comes to the broken first

But you must admit that you are broken to be healed

Otherwise your pride will cause you to be overlooked

And you will find yourself on the doormat where mothers weep

And fathers cry

And teeth gnash against each other like brothers who cannot decide what game to play

But my hands have found their restraints in healing

And those images that I will remember until I am old and faint and my skin is peeling

They will be forgiven and I pray to this day

That you ask and seek and find as the good Lord did say

Leaks

I don't know what to write anymore

I have these outstanding experiences with the Lord

and then I turn it all back and find myself lost again

I remember a time when I lost myself for the worst

It was an incredible time without pills or alcohol or smoke

and sometimes I wonder if they would have made it better

There were no drugs just women

and there were no dances-just depression

no celebration but sorrow

I was so lost and I thought that I would never be found

grace was a word that I was foreign to

I thought I knew God and that I had my mind wrapped around Him

I thought that I was amazing and knew everything that ever could about everything that I ever could know because I was in the 8th grade and life was damn good

but it wasn't

and I found myself searching for a way out

because I had come to find that I had doubts

and that the shell that I placed around my life was crumbling down

and as my friends went and got drunk and high I was alone

I was alone and trying not to cry

I was a wreck and I still am now

I thought that my life was worth nothing if there was no god in the sky

I knew that to overcome my sorrow and doubts that I must die

and ascend to the heavens like an angel

but I was a thief and in my heart I knew it could not be

so I sat in my room and watched as no scars formed on my arms

as the knife I had recently purchased wouldn't cut through my skin

wouldn't kill a man as thick as I even though inside I was thin

And an incredible thing happened but I won't speak of it yet

as my music blared and my heart beat I found that there was more to me

that the God who built me and constructed me would be there with me

that I could doubt and still believe because God cannot be conceived

He cannot be held by the hands of men

the Creator cannot be created, nor placed in a box

by this time I was pulling out the stops

because if you love me you'll let me know

because you, my God, never let go

you are larger than anything I can dream

and you will be searched for and seen

you are the love that I so deeply seek

for my aching heart has consistent leaks

fill my heart and let it know

I am not alone

magnetism

I have so many thoughts.

So many words to be said

my tongue cannot work that quickly

I've found that when I'm wake I carry my emotions over

and I have nothing to show for it

I have injuries, scars, and open wounds

I am still drawn to you

I wish to cut you off and walk away

To save myself from some deeper injury

but I can't

I can no longer write

Stab

I've never known what it was like

What it was to be a barrier to the one I loved

But I know now

I never knew that I was the problem

That I was the murderer destroying this relationship

Forgive me my trespasses.

I'm just hoping stab wounds heal quick

Cause if you you love her, then you'll let her go

and though I've been on top of the world

lately it's all tumbling down

I had a castle made of glass

and now I have a temple of rubble

Thanks for pointing out my flaws

This fucking hurts

The Few Will Cycle Through

The warmth of the sun reminds me of you

The undeserving rain that you bring upon as when we fester

awake in the sleep that we have crept into

The hands of the ground are searching for limbs to tear

I am waiting for something quiet

for the whisper that I know you are found in

The lips speak of liquor and razors

narcotics seep from my pores and I am left alone

"To be honest is to be one man picked of thousands"

I seem to have lost my honesty

Help me attach to what is true and make it my own

Death has come in the shape of her figure

with lips made of arson

not even arsenic can save my soul from Hell

I speak in metaphors because I am afraid of my own truth

Afraid of the mirror I have been staring into

Burn this down with the napalm in your veins

My rubies have lost their touch

My gold has lost its shine

My tin is the new currency

My God save me

I am.

I am poured out like water

I am made of decaying flesh

I am broken and beaten down by my own hands

I am building stairs to nothing

I am an accessory of sin and guilt

I am approaching a waterfall

I am the destruction of Jerusalem

I am heaven sent, but forgotten above all else

I am not poetic anymore

I am not satisfied with this

I am alone and amiss

I am misdirected and forsaken

I am where I never wanted to be again

Looks

I've been stealing glances from the moment that I met you

It used to be because you were something to be sought

You were something that I planned to have and so I was checking the merchandise

But here we are some 8 months later, and things are completely different

You are no longer an empty shell in the shape of a woman,

but you are my friend, my companion

You are nothing to sought after because you have found me

forced me to be something different

to be something changed

You have challenged me, and I am the better for it

The moments that I spend with you don't seem to be long enough

and time away seems to have worn out its welcome

I have never be so comfortably convinced that you are for me

and I am for you , with everything I can give

The talks seem to make it worth it, and the calls will come soon enough

I will miss you for three months, but be satisfied again

You shall be my stronghold

my fortress

but I will not worship you

I will only love you