William Shatner

I once saw a bear capture a fish in a river. Sometimes that's how I feel. I feel like I'm working so hard to swim upstream, to help lay these eggs of future beauty, but out of nowhere this paw comes and swoops down after me. It kills me to see it coming. And I've been struggling with this problem a little more: tried to keep it bottled up so you didn't have to see. Mr. Hyde meet Dr. Jekyll, I'm sure they won't call this a gtragedy. But they did! They called it a disaster, nicknamed me Katrina and I never understood why I could never understand my thoughts without submitting to some kind of forum for depressed people. That's all this is is a depressive season. Its got nothing to do with the fact that we fuck weekly. Its got no motivation from the stresses I'm facing when I'm not in thatg bathroom masturbating. Piss and moan of time but some day we will both be clearly defined and I will trade this pale bone spine for some tired line that comes second string to love like mine. Turn that face away or get the fuck out. Don't you judge me! You've got no right to look into this window but I have let you see the monster I've become. I've lost the Road to being human and the whole time I'm trying to save souls. I can bring everyone back! And if you'd just let me Id show you the facts I've got recorded underneath my eyelids. I've got them all packed neatly away in boxes marked with sharpie like I'm moving out of town. But sadly I'm not going anywhere except maybe to Hell, but I'm pretty damn sure that I'm already there. So, let's take a look around. I'm torturing myself with temptation but claiming I'm in the process of reconciliation but really I'm just sick of failing and fading out. I just want to go home to my family where I was loved for being me and not havingto fit inside of a role that obviously wasn't written for me.

We Will Be Different

A Heart to Heart

About an hour ago a good friend took me aside to talk to me. He told me a few things that I believed to be a misunderstanding of what I represent. It is time for a heart to heart. Here goes my best effort.

I love what I do. I love playing music. I love standing on stages. I love spoken word. I love speaking with people. I love sharing stories that many would not come across in casual conversations. However, speaking on a stage can easily be interpreted as a "go fix yourself while I revel in my own ways" kind of ordeal.

This is not my intention.

Something that I have failed time and time again to emphasize is where my writings come from. I'm just a normal dude who sits up late at night and tries to write something powerful. However, most of the things that come out of my head are simply for me. The words I speak on stages and type in blogs are all for me. Let's relate this to a book many people love: The Bible. The Bible is this set of books that weren't written to the audience that reads them today, but there are truths that can be pulled from the text and still applied to a contemporary audience. In the same way, the pieces I write and the messages that I speak on stages are, in my head, being reflected and told by myself to myself.

It's an idealism.

It's the way that I want to think. When I say something like, "go love one another," it's not just me saying to the listener, "Hey, love that guy always" while I go and act like an arrogant fool. It's me reminding myself that I have something that I need to go work on at all times. The revolutions and change that I speak of are not necessarily just for my audience, but they are also things that I want internally manifested in myself.

It's my dream for a utopia.

Words are powerful, but there is no way for me to clearly define what is for me and what is for my reader/listener.

It happens with music.

It happens with books.

It's the power of stories.

I hope this helps.

I have struggles of my own, and most of my writings come from this. I want to be the change. I want to love others more. And I want you to pull out truths from my writings and apply them to your lives.

Thank you for this chance.

20/30

There was a man who felt pain

He got high

Then he felt afraid

So he drank a whole bottle of wine

It seems like there's a vice for every feeling in life

I've got six.

Welcome to the family.

Pharisaic Vision

Pharisee what's it like to finally see

That grace plays a larger role in love than you expected.

You preach from the liar's chair that law

and order are the two legs of Chuck Norris

But you don't fear a round house kick to the face.

There is blood on your hands from the "lost" that died

For they never knew that their Shepherd had his arms open.

Your speaking death into dry bones

and acting like it's the greatest cigar you've ever smoked.

It's cheap and trite like your stupid workshop

where you tell us that living in two kingdoms is a sin

Who are you to tell me that the old way of working is still the best?

This is a point of transition to a new way of thinking

No longer Sin Management Systems

but The Grace Company

and Love Incorporated.

You are so wrong in the way you speak

It's almost as if your picking out the road signs we have laid for seekers

Your false teachings will come with a consequence

You don't know where we are

Or where they have been

You have sat in your ivory tower with books and books

Relationship takes time but you stuff your face with Ramen

Unwilling to put the work in to cook the meal

You will be food for worms

7/30 & 8/30

7/30

This could be anywhere in the world but it seems to have infected my heart.
I must carry the pains in my chest until my breath ceases.
It must be the separation because I never held this hurt when I was near you.
This all seems so dark to me now as I look through glass at the creatures gazing down on me.
I wish I had the words.
David was a man after Your heart oh Lord and I
seem to have been turned around and I find my home among your waste.
Let me lament to the nations because I am just a Pharisee as long as I live among these thieves.
I was supposed to do it all for the sake of the Gospel.
become all things to save some by all means and
I have been stuck in this role
replaying my sins in my mind
as the people I have used walk past me day and night.
My God won’t you ease the pain on this heart of me
for I am afraid that it might break in time
for my brain is conflicting itself and I cant

control my motor skills and my hands will defeat me!
Wrapped tight around my throat, my closet holds no bones

8/30

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
but if I’m deaf can I still hear it?

6/30

Across the masses lies a look of terror

It has fallen asleep inside of their bones

When they crack their knuckles it awakens.

Reminds them of the death they shall taste.

Princess, Peach, and schemes.

An orphan plays his accordion like a disease.

she times her steps in twos and threes never stepping on the cracks.

The car passes by on the west end of town to distract the young officer

He sees money.

They steal the money.

A bell rings out in the open air like a bullet cut through the forehead of our leader.

Mr. President is down.

He's bleeding cotton candy clouds of ideas that will never go settled.

Dreamers dream nightmares of watching their creations burn in the fires like books in the Holocaust.

Moral equivalence, I think not.

My hands have been frozen to my side for 11 minutes now.

The Executive is still dead.

Hope. Yes we can.