Christians

I’m not going to apologize for my next sentence.

You are defacing the church.

Smiles don’t reach across the waters and money doesn’t solve all things.

If you hide your claws you will have nothing to keep a grip.

Away with all of your slogans.

The son doesn’t need another flashy t-shirt for you to declare your faith.

The clothing oft makes the man, but your words are the only thing that can save a brother, sister. I mean have you ever had a deep discussion about NT Wright’s latest book with a pair of socks that read john 3:16.

That’s preposterous.

Formulas work for some, but the diluted pattern of discussion soon allows the second party to see that you don’t mean much by it.

Words should come from the heart not the new best seller in the Christian market.

And I know you might mean the best and that you intend on changing the hearts of men

but your fishing with rotten bait.

Times are changing. Your methods must too.

Straighten out your back because I wont do it for you

Our god has made us too pretty and we cant help but stare in the mirror.

We just forget about the real issues the least struggle with.

As we spend point eight five cents a page for an inward appearance,

the man on the corner freezes or melts depending on the season.

We are broken and out of key.

Let us find our reality once again so we may be released from the hooks that keep us tethered to the lies from the deception artist himself.

Look up and say your prayers.

Look left and use your hands to solve the isolation issue.

Serve under Christ’s kingdom.

To be happy is to suck.

Terrorists

My God is a terrorist

And I don’t mean that with any disrespect

It’s just the best way for me to look at Him

To try and fit something in my mind about his infinite greatness

When we were created we were meant to be loved unconditionally

But we fell apart and were kicked out of God’s great city

And ever since then life has been a struggle

As we push forward serpents attack our heels

And we must crush their skulls before the venom has enough time to make it to our arteries

Every person that is called towards my Lord is part of something bigger

Not just a religion or a relationship

We are called to fight in a war

Or better yet, the great tug-of-war

All around us lies the vast sadness

The overwhelming lack of goodness in the world

And our God is fighting to bring his heaven back to earth

To redeem the city that we sleep in

To bring hope back to the streets and the alleys

Once I was washed anew I was baptized by fire

The refining fire that tells me of the battle I will engage in

I was trained up in the way of the Lord

Given a sword of spirit

And a shield of faith

The freedom to take my battle to unknown lands

I am a soldier

We are the insurgents

Fighting to bring back sovereignty to our Father

Our Creator

Our Everlasting

And it’s not that he ever lost his sovereignty

He limits Himself to give us another purpose

To consistently turn others towards the way

This is not a crusade

This is not a holy war

Its an invisible battle over salvation

We have nothing to lose except our place in the afterlife

This time is ours, take up your sword and begin to fight with love

To aim compassion towards the Establishment and fire at will

This is a love war

Join us and fight.

The Following Takes Place Between 12 AM and 1 AM

my mother never told me that I was special.

and daddy never told me that he was proud of me.

so to fulfill my purpose and to make them proud I wanted to live for something that was bigger than my hopes and dreams

But I scribbled out that plan with a black magnum sharpie.

You can say its that shame that keeps me sinking down the periodic climb up the ladder of life,

but I know that it's more of a heart issue than one of mass and gravity.

I've always had my doubts about divination but never before were they in technicolor, 3D, larger than life coming off that page while the ghosts of my past were still standing right beside me.

Little boy welcome to failure.

I hope you make yourself comfortable.

I get the feeling that we will become the best of friends while you have life in those veins.

So, I drafted a new plan to slash theses wrists in an effort to get all the failure out while I can.

I will always compromise when the weight is right,

upon my back with seemingly no way out of a house of mirrors

I will always compromise when the weight is right,

and it doesn't take much to make me start to sink.

I was told that my bones would start to break before my body would bleed and I thought I'd put that theory to the test

There is only so much that you can do as a 13 year old boy to relieve the sensations that those 13 year old boys feel

and the list of things to put my faith in seems to be on a downward slope

I've read:

"I set my mind on this and therefore I have hope"

I can't even seem to find a way to cope with the new messages that are being sent to my brain electronically

Call it hormones, call it ecstasy

Hell, you can even call it the latest disease

But something inside me is broken and not easily fixed and I'm thinking that my presence on the earth will only be lightly missed

Someone tell me that Satan has gotten ahold of me one more time and I swear to God that I will start to ascend to the skies.

This life that I lived was supposed to be one that I could call me own

But I'm afraid that my only option is to cut my skin down to my bone

The syllables roll of their tongues in a way that makes me think that the voices are true.

I'm going crazy and my hand is outstretched but ignored by you.

It's funny how the subtraction of words from a few sentences changes the meaning entirely.

I would love to help you, boy.

used to look a lot like

I would love to help, but I hate you.

Isn't this the point where Angels descend and the heart in my chest is made well again?

I guess not or maybe the demons have too deep a hand.

Should I change my name to Legion

Or will God afflict me again?

Lord, I want to believe in you so badly

but, the thorns around my heart have taken over your throne.

Maybe if you save me one more time I'll allow you to cast the first stone

and pray to you that it makes a dent in the door that is keeping my closet closed.

I've only got so much time left in this life

and all these events have taken place with my hand upon a knife.

Hands

If you've ever been tempted my pictures on pages, raise your hand

If you've ever been isolated so badly that you thought there was never a light, raise your hand

If you've ever allowed a complex that says you aren't good enough to exist infect your mind, raise your hand

If you've ever even thought about ridding the world of the body you take up space with, raise your hand.

If you've ever doubted the existence of something greater watching over you, raise your hand.

If you still doubt, raise your hand.

If you've ever imagined that love doesn't exist and that this world is full of evil people, sans a few, raise your hand

If you believe that money and violence will never bring peace raise your hand

If you believe that money and violence are the only way raise your hand.

If you've ever thought that your friends are before anything else raise your hand.

If you are alive because of someone else raise your hand.

If you stand here, in this room, and you don't have a hand raised let me ask you something. Are you alive at all?

Today

My ability to write good things has been decreasing.

I've noticed that it's been failing every since you left my proximity.

You were supposed to be my inspiration and you were such a good one while you were.

Now you are four hundred and forty-nine miles separated by the earth we stand on

and I am left wondering if there is any hope for my cause.

I can hear the voices talking in my ear telling me that I'm up to no good again.

But I can read the messages telling me that I am making a difference in a life.

One voice has this constant clarity that allows it to ring and resonate in my ear.

The speech feels soothing and the words are tangible and concrete.

The other only works when I sign on, log in and once I'm off the mouth is closed.

Silence.

I've always wondered if I was the only human to ever hear my own voice inside of my head,

but I'm afraid to bring it up to anyone because I don't want to be sent to a place where I am forced to take any form of medication.

I refused to be made a victim of something that can be quite helpful when I need it.

These voices tell me about my fashion and what I'm supposed to wear.

They tell me what people are thinking on the inside and what true colors radiate from beyond their own skin.

and the voices assure me that I should "solemnly swear I am up to no good."

because only then will I create the fan base that I so deeply desire.

Then my heart begins to scream, "Hold up. Stop the presses! When did this talent and gift become a thing for media-driven hearts and kids with agendas to receive. Is this not the thing that you wish to bring peace to the hearts of all who can listen?"

and Indeed, I did want this to be for all to find a sense of home.

For them to be reminded that they are not alone and are surrounded by a world of people who feel their pain.

but then I got that lawyer involved and all of my plans were placed away.

Those damn voices got inside my heart and tied it down.

Gagged and bounded it wouldn't speak for a long while.

I was then free to control my own destiny with out any emotion getting in the way.

And now I present to you the man I am today

Right Now

"Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe."

because for the first time in my life I'm starting to get it

because community is so much more that what I though it was

because what I thought was a skeleton is actually retaining flesh and blood

because my friends are the greatest community I will ever find

because my God is redeeming me daily

because I am capable of things larger than what my mind can contain or process

That is why I write.

I'm getting it. Slowly, but I am starting to understand that I have gifts that are to be used for more than my satisfaction

Quicksand

Place another notch in that door post for the next age that I’ve survived.

I think the total is up to nineteen now even though i should have died a few years ago.

People always tell me that I’m so negative because i don’t have these big birthday bashes

The ones where everyone shows up and leaves completely spent and wasted.

What is the point of celebrating the fact that i am one year closer to death?

In celebrating the fact that i am still failing my mission as declared by my God?

Drowning is so much fun isnt it?

If anything i would prefer a jubilee over the fact that I’m still alive.

the devil’s been inside me and established an outpost somewhere in here.

And so i will wait two years necessary until i can drink myself into a stupor

and it would be called legal.

but for now im going to fill these hurting lungs with smoke out back

and think about the fact that everything i knew about my life is proven false every day i exist. Here’s to another day of pain and tears

and as I swallow the last drop of this bottle I can feel it wallowing in my throat

with the last intake of a cigarette it waits for me to exhale so it can escape

I’m so used to letting them win that I expect loss but not this time

God, if you could be of some sort of assistance.

I’m going to try and hold these demons in this body as long as I can

But the room is getting smaller as the oxygen ceases to flow to my brain

Can you turn the lights back on? I seem to have lost my path

Everything has begun to spin and I believe I have achieve total numbness

This must be the reason why so many people drink the toxins that they do

I can’t feel anything anymore and I’m ok with that, are you?

Isn’t it so much easier to run from it all than to turn the other cheek and stare it in the face?

Define your terms before you lose all hope in me because I can only try so hard before I lose all sense of energy

And you’re lack of effort to save me from myself only allows their words to continue to infiltrate

I’ve spent 19 years trying to hold this all in and it’s time that my doubts become known

Where have we been and why did we go from everything that was ours?

Hopefully I can get this cleaned up in time for my parents to never know that inside I’m another tormented soul.

If you’ll excuse me though it’s time for me to take my pills and fix myself

I do pray that you have another day surviving in the quicksand