Disciples

It's no secret.
I've battled depression.
I still battle depression.
I make it days, months, years without a thought of deep sadness or self-harm and then...
boom.

There it is.

Sitting on my shoulders.

Twisting and contorting its body until I'm looking directly into its face.

Some things set it off more than others.
There's a trigger man.
I've been able to identify some of them.
And sometimes there are new ones.

This season is a new one.

I hope it ends soon.

I'm frustrated with my church.
Maybe even the Church.

I'm frustrated that we can have pastors stand on stages and berate the congregation for having "drive" or "vigor" and for following the "traditional norms" of the business world.

How we can look down on that "look out for number one" attitude.
The disposition of me first.

And yet.

We still have things like unpaid internships.
We pull the rug out on staff in a new church plant.
We hire the least amount of people to be on staff.

But we've got to have Global Freedom.
We've got to make that movie.
We've got to have the best Easter program.

But we can't look out for number one.
So we neglect ourselves.
Our lifeblood.
The people looking to become better disciples.
We teach them that hard work and dedication to the cross
will only come out of their paycheck.

We silently encourage them to work horrible overnight jobs so that they can be at the office ready to plan the next big event for the students

and they can barely pay rent.

We welcome them into the offices and team just to not communicate events to them.
Causing them to feel more left out and ignored than they had before they came.

But if they look out for themselves, it's of Satan.
It's sin.

If they leave one church for a paying job at another
we consider it making misty plans for tomorrow.
Plans that shouldn't be made because we don't know if tomorrow will come.
The church calls it working outside of God's plan.
I call it finding a way to eat.

My dedication to the cross might kill me.
But not like Jesus.
This isn't Christ-like.
It will be slow.
And it will be under the nose of the Church.
I am one of the least.
And the worst thing is,
there are others worse off than me.